They say the best things in life are free, but that never held any sway for me. But I do believe the best things in life are simple. Take today for example, what was the great thing that happened today?
I got a haircut.
Yup, real simple, wasn't free, set me back 12 bucks and a 2 dollar tip, but it really did put a spring in my step. I had about 7 lbs of hair buzzed off my head. My hair grows real thick and heavy, for months and months I haven't had the cash to get it done, so I had these monster long 9 inch length strands of hair. It was covering up my eyes, starting to crawl down my back, blocking my ears. I go in today and just say "Chop it off", asking for an old fashioned flattop high and tight. Barber couldn't believe it. Kept asking over and over if I was sure, and seemed flabberghasted that anyone would actually WANT a cut like that.
I came out of that barber shop feelin' like a new man. It really wasn't much, a couple pounds of hair. Cost me 14 dollars, and thus the reason it didn't get done for so long. Roommate was finally fed up with my hair and tossed ten bucks at me to get it done.
But I actually had a skip to my stride as I walked back home, and a smile on my face. Despite all the crap going on, I was happy for a moment.
Oh, and I didn't get my furniture today. My friend never showed up, and I've been unable to contact him. I was reading about the mud slides and flooding in his area, and I'm starting to get a little worried. I know he didn't come because all the passes over the mountains were closed... but I wonder if he's in good health and safe right now. I hear some towns over there have had to be evacuated, while Renton hasn't been mentioned by name yet, I still do worry.
I hope he's fine.
Til next time,
Grind Away
January 9, 2009
January 8, 2009
Red Tape
My battles with the vile DSHS continues. Today was part two of a massive operation to get in to see the wizard. Yesterday I had no luck at all, a lot of waiting, a lot of busy phones, a lot of long, DMV style lines, for no reward. Today, finally, a breakthrough at 3 PM. I finally managed to make it through automated machines and lines to talk to a real person.
And once more, I find the system to be flawed and annoying. The message I got was about a form that wasn't correct. What was that form? A statement from my roommate about my food situation, how often I procure my stores, and that they are in fact mine and mine alone. A simple little statement, signed and dated.
Though now I am informed my roommate cannot sign such a statement because of "Fraud". The idea is almost laughable. If I was going to commit fraud, I would have just found some random drug addict willing to lie for a couple bucks off the street. Who would knwo better about hte truth, and be more compelled to tell the truth, than someone who actually lives here, and knows my habits and situations, AND can be tracked down because you know where he lives?
So instead I gotta wait for my friend to come back over the pass and into town to sign a paper. He's scheduled to do so today, but with winter weather and his own relatively poor health, I don't know if he's actually going to make it.
And until he does? No more food for me. I got a couple little bags of ramen and half a loaf of sourdough bread to sustain me.
Yay breaucracy!
Seriously, I've talked about some of the stupid things they do, who the hell comes up with this stuff?
I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Furniture moving and working at the food bank, depending on if he shows up. If not, I go to joust with the DSHS again. Either way, I'm sure I'll be tired, sour, and probably a little grumpy when everything finally ends.
Till next time,
Grind Away
And once more, I find the system to be flawed and annoying. The message I got was about a form that wasn't correct. What was that form? A statement from my roommate about my food situation, how often I procure my stores, and that they are in fact mine and mine alone. A simple little statement, signed and dated.
Though now I am informed my roommate cannot sign such a statement because of "Fraud". The idea is almost laughable. If I was going to commit fraud, I would have just found some random drug addict willing to lie for a couple bucks off the street. Who would knwo better about hte truth, and be more compelled to tell the truth, than someone who actually lives here, and knows my habits and situations, AND can be tracked down because you know where he lives?
So instead I gotta wait for my friend to come back over the pass and into town to sign a paper. He's scheduled to do so today, but with winter weather and his own relatively poor health, I don't know if he's actually going to make it.
And until he does? No more food for me. I got a couple little bags of ramen and half a loaf of sourdough bread to sustain me.
Yay breaucracy!
Seriously, I've talked about some of the stupid things they do, who the hell comes up with this stuff?
I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Furniture moving and working at the food bank, depending on if he shows up. If not, I go to joust with the DSHS again. Either way, I'm sure I'll be tired, sour, and probably a little grumpy when everything finally ends.
Till next time,
Grind Away
January 7, 2009
Fire
I am a man of comfort. I rather be safe, comfortable, and in a routine than be doing something 'exciting', at least generally speaking. I don't like clubs, or bars. I don't care for fairs and carnivals. Most nights I rather stay home, cook something good, and curl up with a good book rather than go out and hit the scene.
This isn't to say I can't be social. I just don't much care to. at the very least I like to make sure I have my own private time, a nice, quiet chunk of the day to wind down, reflect, and relax.
So of course, with the way life goes, it tries to light a fire under me.
Got a call from DSHS last night that apparently one of the forms I filed had an unspecified requirement, which means that I'm past my deadline because no one told me this until the end of the business day on the fifth. It also means that my desperate attempts to call them and work it out failed, because all day today their phone service failed me due to "heavy traffic", giving me the "try again later" all day from 9 AM (When they open) to 5 PM (when they close).
Whoopie.
Well, that's just one more thing to light a fire under me, starvation. Maybe it'll work. Maybe somehow being malnourished will show me some inspiration that I haven't had before. Maybe.
Did I just see a pig buzz past me?
Many people that know me presume that I don't do jack but sleep, eat, and spend all day "Playing on the computer". This is so far from the truth that I usually can't help but laugh. I spend more hours a day looking for work than my roommate spends at work. I cover more miles of pavement on my shoeleather than he does in his car everyday. And he thinks I'm just a sloth when, after walking the gods know how many miles a day (At least 18, probably closer to 24), having tried just about every place I can, and not finding anything, that I rather just go and read for a bit and then sleep.
They believe I just never try, that's why I'm not gainfully employed. I never bother to really tell them my efforts. Mostly because my roommate, as much as he pushes me to get a job, he also torpedos my attempts to get a job, giving me bad references whenever he answers the phone (Usually the case because I'm dead tired and dead asleep).
Well, life lit the fire under me to get me going. Might as well turn into the slide and see where it takes me.
Til next time,
Grind Away
This isn't to say I can't be social. I just don't much care to. at the very least I like to make sure I have my own private time, a nice, quiet chunk of the day to wind down, reflect, and relax.
So of course, with the way life goes, it tries to light a fire under me.
Got a call from DSHS last night that apparently one of the forms I filed had an unspecified requirement, which means that I'm past my deadline because no one told me this until the end of the business day on the fifth. It also means that my desperate attempts to call them and work it out failed, because all day today their phone service failed me due to "heavy traffic", giving me the "try again later" all day from 9 AM (When they open) to 5 PM (when they close).
Whoopie.
Well, that's just one more thing to light a fire under me, starvation. Maybe it'll work. Maybe somehow being malnourished will show me some inspiration that I haven't had before. Maybe.
Did I just see a pig buzz past me?
Many people that know me presume that I don't do jack but sleep, eat, and spend all day "Playing on the computer". This is so far from the truth that I usually can't help but laugh. I spend more hours a day looking for work than my roommate spends at work. I cover more miles of pavement on my shoeleather than he does in his car everyday. And he thinks I'm just a sloth when, after walking the gods know how many miles a day (At least 18, probably closer to 24), having tried just about every place I can, and not finding anything, that I rather just go and read for a bit and then sleep.
They believe I just never try, that's why I'm not gainfully employed. I never bother to really tell them my efforts. Mostly because my roommate, as much as he pushes me to get a job, he also torpedos my attempts to get a job, giving me bad references whenever he answers the phone (Usually the case because I'm dead tired and dead asleep).
Well, life lit the fire under me to get me going. Might as well turn into the slide and see where it takes me.
Til next time,
Grind Away
January 6, 2009
Between
A lot of things in my life are currently between things. My home is between set ups, with new furniture being moved in, and old things moving out. I'm between full time, well paying jobs. I'm beween relationships. I'm between Game consoles (PS2 died, saving up for a NDS or PS3). I'm even between hair brained, get rich quick schemes of my roommates. And the world outside is stuck between Winter and Spring, neither of them quite fully taking hold yet.
This has left me in something of a lurch. I feel constantly like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff, with no safety railing between me and the drop. No regular schedule, no expected tasks to be accomplished each day. Oh, and I have vertigo of course, so the idea of standing next to a cliff leaves me in constant fear.
That's it. I feel afraid all the time. I don't have some rock or railing I can cling onto and get some stability from. There isn't aht feeling of something old, familiar, and safe anywhere near me.
And I am a creature of habit.
It reminds me of Garret, P.I. Weird little Fantasy Detective hardback I picked up some time ago with three stories by Glen Cook about the titluar character. Garret really speaks to me. All those little mannerisms he has seem so much like my own. From his hatred of Mornings (No sane man should be up with the sun), his choice in women, his desire to only really get to work when he's starving. Even Dean reminds me a lot of one of my friends in a lot of ways. Well, other than trying to get me married off to some niece.
Ah, it's my American Dream. I would rather live like that, be able to set my own hours, working only when I want or really need to. But then again, who wouldn't? I don't exactly have any skill sets that would let me have a life that cushy, so back to the salt mines with me.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring a bit more grounding to my life.
Til next time,
Grind Away
This has left me in something of a lurch. I feel constantly like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff, with no safety railing between me and the drop. No regular schedule, no expected tasks to be accomplished each day. Oh, and I have vertigo of course, so the idea of standing next to a cliff leaves me in constant fear.
That's it. I feel afraid all the time. I don't have some rock or railing I can cling onto and get some stability from. There isn't aht feeling of something old, familiar, and safe anywhere near me.
And I am a creature of habit.
It reminds me of Garret, P.I. Weird little Fantasy Detective hardback I picked up some time ago with three stories by Glen Cook about the titluar character. Garret really speaks to me. All those little mannerisms he has seem so much like my own. From his hatred of Mornings (No sane man should be up with the sun), his choice in women, his desire to only really get to work when he's starving. Even Dean reminds me a lot of one of my friends in a lot of ways. Well, other than trying to get me married off to some niece.
Ah, it's my American Dream. I would rather live like that, be able to set my own hours, working only when I want or really need to. But then again, who wouldn't? I don't exactly have any skill sets that would let me have a life that cushy, so back to the salt mines with me.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring a bit more grounding to my life.
Til next time,
Grind Away
January 5, 2009
Coldsnap
Praise Santa, or someone, it's snowing again! A good four inches today, and it shows no sign of stopping anytime soon. Though my roommate, ever the bummer, had to inform me the National Weather Service is predicting hot tempuratures tomorrow that will turn my winter wonderland into a slushy disappointment.
I pray he's wrong.
It's funny though how little things like the weather can effect your state of mind. Snow, ice, cold chills and northern winds bring new life and vigor into me. While everyone else is curling up, hiding by a fire and complaining about the "foul weather" and generally in a darker mood, I'm out dancing a jig, rolling around in the frozen goodness, building myself a little snow fort. I guess I never grew out of being a kid. Kids love the winter, adults don't. Makes you wonder what's wrong with Adults. Oh, they say it's just, "They like it because they'll have school off," but they like snow even when they're already on Winter Break. So take that nay sayers.
Adults just don't like to admit they forgot to have the simple joys and wonderments that kids are masters of.
But alas, when I was a child I thought childish things. And now I am a man and I am constantly pestered about it being time to put up childish things, as hard as I find that to do. Part of me still loves watching cartoons, playing in snow, the frank, open honesty you see in kids.
But as an Adult, I realize I need to work, both for money and on myself at a personal level. And this is the time toyear to think about it.
New Year's Resolutions.
I never put much stock in them myself over the years. I see someone make such a declaration, something like "I'm going to exercise and run around the block every morning", for example, only to see it put aside and forgotten a mere week, if that long, into the year.
Not even 2% through the year, and they throw in the towel. Oh yeah, New Year's Resolutions really work wonders, don't they?
But, it's the spirit, and I like to think I have more willpower than most people I know. So here it is, my list of Resolutions.
1) To be more proactive in my love life. Specifically, I would actually like to find a woman who will love me. I've had plenty of situations where I loved a woman who only had a passing interest in me. It doesn't work. I could care less what she looks like, who she is, long as I get that connection. Oh, I have my preferences, who doesn't? But it's not what's really important to me. This year I want to go out more, really look for that person. I haven't much tried it, not since Felicia, always shoving romantic relationships back in my mind. But I think the time is right in my life to start the search anew.
2) Transitioning from Just Surviving to Thriving. Right now my state of being, financially at least, is more about just making ends meet. I seldom have more than 5 bucks at the end of a month, and my current work isn't really rife for promotion and raises either. This situation leads to me being stuck where I am, I can't save up enough to actually gain any sort of venture capital for anything. I can't start my own business, which I've always dreamed of, I can't even move out of where I am. This is going to take a lot of hard work, and I'm not really sure where to start, unlike in number one above. My roommate's get rich quick schemes never really pan out, so that's not an option. The economy is lean here, and people just are not hiring. But with vilgilance hopefully something will show up.
3) Pay down my debts. Those I owe, say I owe them nothing. Friends who helped me out over lean months. A woman who runs a local charity that bought me some clothes, a man who I owe just about everything I have to, another who cuts me a deal on certain goods. I actually keep a total of the dollar figures, best as I can figure it out. Paying down my debts will cost me a total of 48,000 US dollars. They say I don't have to pay them. But when you really count it up, and see a total like that, I just can't help but feel that the debt is too large to simply ignore.
There it is, three resolutions. And ones quite a bit harder, at least to me, than "Give up smoking" or "exercise every day". But if I can keep up, if I can make some progress, it'll have much more drastic effects for me than the simple little, quickly forgotten pledges I hear made every year.
Hard work, discipline, vigilance. Those are my watchwords for the year.
And for you others who might read this, remember, America really is a land of opportunity. In 2003 I was homeless and hopeless. In 2009 I have a home, a job, a life, and I do actually believe it possible to turn this into a success. It'll be hard, but it's possible. I never had to lie, cheat, or steal, and I won't. I work hard, I behave honestly, and I'll get ahead.
I do honestly believe that. And American history has shown time and time again that it's true.
Til next time,
Grind Away
I pray he's wrong.
It's funny though how little things like the weather can effect your state of mind. Snow, ice, cold chills and northern winds bring new life and vigor into me. While everyone else is curling up, hiding by a fire and complaining about the "foul weather" and generally in a darker mood, I'm out dancing a jig, rolling around in the frozen goodness, building myself a little snow fort. I guess I never grew out of being a kid. Kids love the winter, adults don't. Makes you wonder what's wrong with Adults. Oh, they say it's just, "They like it because they'll have school off," but they like snow even when they're already on Winter Break. So take that nay sayers.
Adults just don't like to admit they forgot to have the simple joys and wonderments that kids are masters of.
But alas, when I was a child I thought childish things. And now I am a man and I am constantly pestered about it being time to put up childish things, as hard as I find that to do. Part of me still loves watching cartoons, playing in snow, the frank, open honesty you see in kids.
But as an Adult, I realize I need to work, both for money and on myself at a personal level. And this is the time toyear to think about it.
New Year's Resolutions.
I never put much stock in them myself over the years. I see someone make such a declaration, something like "I'm going to exercise and run around the block every morning", for example, only to see it put aside and forgotten a mere week, if that long, into the year.
Not even 2% through the year, and they throw in the towel. Oh yeah, New Year's Resolutions really work wonders, don't they?
But, it's the spirit, and I like to think I have more willpower than most people I know. So here it is, my list of Resolutions.
1) To be more proactive in my love life. Specifically, I would actually like to find a woman who will love me. I've had plenty of situations where I loved a woman who only had a passing interest in me. It doesn't work. I could care less what she looks like, who she is, long as I get that connection. Oh, I have my preferences, who doesn't? But it's not what's really important to me. This year I want to go out more, really look for that person. I haven't much tried it, not since Felicia, always shoving romantic relationships back in my mind. But I think the time is right in my life to start the search anew.
2) Transitioning from Just Surviving to Thriving. Right now my state of being, financially at least, is more about just making ends meet. I seldom have more than 5 bucks at the end of a month, and my current work isn't really rife for promotion and raises either. This situation leads to me being stuck where I am, I can't save up enough to actually gain any sort of venture capital for anything. I can't start my own business, which I've always dreamed of, I can't even move out of where I am. This is going to take a lot of hard work, and I'm not really sure where to start, unlike in number one above. My roommate's get rich quick schemes never really pan out, so that's not an option. The economy is lean here, and people just are not hiring. But with vilgilance hopefully something will show up.
3) Pay down my debts. Those I owe, say I owe them nothing. Friends who helped me out over lean months. A woman who runs a local charity that bought me some clothes, a man who I owe just about everything I have to, another who cuts me a deal on certain goods. I actually keep a total of the dollar figures, best as I can figure it out. Paying down my debts will cost me a total of 48,000 US dollars. They say I don't have to pay them. But when you really count it up, and see a total like that, I just can't help but feel that the debt is too large to simply ignore.
There it is, three resolutions. And ones quite a bit harder, at least to me, than "Give up smoking" or "exercise every day". But if I can keep up, if I can make some progress, it'll have much more drastic effects for me than the simple little, quickly forgotten pledges I hear made every year.
Hard work, discipline, vigilance. Those are my watchwords for the year.
And for you others who might read this, remember, America really is a land of opportunity. In 2003 I was homeless and hopeless. In 2009 I have a home, a job, a life, and I do actually believe it possible to turn this into a success. It'll be hard, but it's possible. I never had to lie, cheat, or steal, and I won't. I work hard, I behave honestly, and I'll get ahead.
I do honestly believe that. And American history has shown time and time again that it's true.
Til next time,
Grind Away
January 4, 2009
Pax Vulcanis
My friend once told me I was like a Vulcan, that's Star Trek, Mr. Spock, the XO and Science officer for your young kids that can't recall. Th reason why, wasn't because of my devotion to all things Logic, though that deserves it as well. But because I was devoid of emotion. Or at the very least, I never showed it, and never let it take control over me.
Like a Vulcan I've found it's necessary to repress emotion. I know that's the opposite of the current pop-psychobabble culture we live in, where everyone is supposed to be open, and understanding, mature and in touch with thier feelings.
But that isn't for me.
I can remember when I was young, four to six or there abouts, I used to have terrible bouts of rage. Something would happen, so minor, so insignificant, that I'd just explode. The phrase "All I saw was Red" and its like is often thrown about to express anger and violence. In my case, it was near a literal description. Just like someone had put some red tinted vaseline over my eyes, giving everything a blurry fiery look. People would hit me, kick me, even one time nail me with a two by four and it just wouldn't register at the time. All I could do was get my hands around whatever it was and punch, claw, rip, and tear at whatever it was. Not even the rough discipline of school yard scrapping, it was, according to my brother after one incident, "Like watchin' some werewolf in a movie maul someone".
I never really remembered what happened when I was like that. Usually just vague memories of "There was this guy, I did something to him, now he's on the floor bleeding".
I did my best to check my anger, and most any other emotion, after that. Star Trek did help actually, as I tried to be like Mr. Spock. Calm, collected, in control and ruled by Reason. It took a while, but I got the hang of it soon enough.
Course, my control and "lack of emotion" was disturbing to some people after my parent's divorced. They seemed determined that I must be some ticking timebomb after that. That I was just bottling it up and waiting to go off. That was hardly the truth. I just calmly, and rationally processed it. It happened, I reflected on it, realized it was inevitable, unchangeable, and hardly worth getting worked up about. I went through that process in about 10 minutes. I was done. I was 'cured' of any trauma it might have caused.
It still ended up getting me sent to the psychiatrist. I went, I nodded along, went through the motions. That girl doctor never really did understand me. Oh, she tried I suppose. She might have even been good at her job. There just wasn't anything there for her to do. No matter what was going on, she only focused on the divorce, thinking it was some root problem. With everyone else nodding along.
You know the behavior that lead people to think I was acting out about the divorce? It was 4th grade English and I wrote a funny little story about an Evil Communist Santa Robot who dropped biological weapons wrapped as gifts under every American Christmas Tree. Odd perhaps. But then again I was raised by military men and the Cold War was still fresh in people's memories.
I got out of the therapist fully intact. The only thing that it really effected was the weekly 11 AM meetings ruined my attendance record. Excused absenses, sure, but it was the only thing that made me miss that award at the end of the year.
Since then I've been a reserved person. I can count on one hand the number of times emotion slipped out of my control:
Reading the end of Dragons of Winter's Night, I cried. I still can't figure why, it was sad, sure, but totally cliche and obvious, other such scenes do not effect me. Wies and Hickman must really be masters at playing the emotional puppetstrings.
Watching some movie called something like "5 People You Meet in Heaven". Again kinda odd as other such things don't bother me like that. Just that one movie. Not even the more emotionally compelling, to most people, "What Dreams May Come" bothered me, not an ounce. But halfway through 5 People You Meet in Heaven I started crying and didn't stop until 2 hours after it was over. And not just misty eyed crying, like full wracking sobs and the snot bubbles, all of it.
Third would be an Anime Series, Naruto. For some reason I cried almost the same way during that series' arc "The Chuunin Exams" during Rock Lee's fight with Gaara.
Fourth? Rage came out when someone decided a nice nickname for me would be "Mr. Toilet". I didn't hurt anyone, but only because the guy who originated the nickname was a good 200+ miles away.
And that has been it. 4 slip ups in nearly 20 years. It bothers me only that I don't know WHY the first three effected me so much. It doesn't make sense, there is no logic to it. There wasn't even a clear memory or sensation that coupled the display, so I can't reason some odd thing in my past that it reminded me of.
Discipline, control, logic.
I love those things. I'm devoted to those things.
Til next time,
Grind Away
Like a Vulcan I've found it's necessary to repress emotion. I know that's the opposite of the current pop-psychobabble culture we live in, where everyone is supposed to be open, and understanding, mature and in touch with thier feelings.
But that isn't for me.
I can remember when I was young, four to six or there abouts, I used to have terrible bouts of rage. Something would happen, so minor, so insignificant, that I'd just explode. The phrase "All I saw was Red" and its like is often thrown about to express anger and violence. In my case, it was near a literal description. Just like someone had put some red tinted vaseline over my eyes, giving everything a blurry fiery look. People would hit me, kick me, even one time nail me with a two by four and it just wouldn't register at the time. All I could do was get my hands around whatever it was and punch, claw, rip, and tear at whatever it was. Not even the rough discipline of school yard scrapping, it was, according to my brother after one incident, "Like watchin' some werewolf in a movie maul someone".
I never really remembered what happened when I was like that. Usually just vague memories of "There was this guy, I did something to him, now he's on the floor bleeding".
I did my best to check my anger, and most any other emotion, after that. Star Trek did help actually, as I tried to be like Mr. Spock. Calm, collected, in control and ruled by Reason. It took a while, but I got the hang of it soon enough.
Course, my control and "lack of emotion" was disturbing to some people after my parent's divorced. They seemed determined that I must be some ticking timebomb after that. That I was just bottling it up and waiting to go off. That was hardly the truth. I just calmly, and rationally processed it. It happened, I reflected on it, realized it was inevitable, unchangeable, and hardly worth getting worked up about. I went through that process in about 10 minutes. I was done. I was 'cured' of any trauma it might have caused.
It still ended up getting me sent to the psychiatrist. I went, I nodded along, went through the motions. That girl doctor never really did understand me. Oh, she tried I suppose. She might have even been good at her job. There just wasn't anything there for her to do. No matter what was going on, she only focused on the divorce, thinking it was some root problem. With everyone else nodding along.
You know the behavior that lead people to think I was acting out about the divorce? It was 4th grade English and I wrote a funny little story about an Evil Communist Santa Robot who dropped biological weapons wrapped as gifts under every American Christmas Tree. Odd perhaps. But then again I was raised by military men and the Cold War was still fresh in people's memories.
I got out of the therapist fully intact. The only thing that it really effected was the weekly 11 AM meetings ruined my attendance record. Excused absenses, sure, but it was the only thing that made me miss that award at the end of the year.
Since then I've been a reserved person. I can count on one hand the number of times emotion slipped out of my control:
Reading the end of Dragons of Winter's Night, I cried. I still can't figure why, it was sad, sure, but totally cliche and obvious, other such scenes do not effect me. Wies and Hickman must really be masters at playing the emotional puppetstrings.
Watching some movie called something like "5 People You Meet in Heaven". Again kinda odd as other such things don't bother me like that. Just that one movie. Not even the more emotionally compelling, to most people, "What Dreams May Come" bothered me, not an ounce. But halfway through 5 People You Meet in Heaven I started crying and didn't stop until 2 hours after it was over. And not just misty eyed crying, like full wracking sobs and the snot bubbles, all of it.
Third would be an Anime Series, Naruto. For some reason I cried almost the same way during that series' arc "The Chuunin Exams" during Rock Lee's fight with Gaara.
Fourth? Rage came out when someone decided a nice nickname for me would be "Mr. Toilet". I didn't hurt anyone, but only because the guy who originated the nickname was a good 200+ miles away.
And that has been it. 4 slip ups in nearly 20 years. It bothers me only that I don't know WHY the first three effected me so much. It doesn't make sense, there is no logic to it. There wasn't even a clear memory or sensation that coupled the display, so I can't reason some odd thing in my past that it reminded me of.
Discipline, control, logic.
I love those things. I'm devoted to those things.
Til next time,
Grind Away
January 3, 2009
Defeat
Once again it was Harbor Defense time for Navyfield (http://www.navyfield.com), with the valiant Veterans Fleet facing off against Total Carnage. Total Carnage that won last New York server Fleet League, and considered at least in my mind as the "Fleet to beat" on the server. There was a lot riding on this battle. Most of the server was pulling with our fleet to "knock them down a peg", as I often heard said. And adding fuel to the fire was Total Carnage's claim that they were attacking "Just to kill your production" and the benefits that it brings us.
Suffice to say, a few people in our fleet were in fact chomping at the bit to show them what for.
But fate conspires against you. One of our top players had his account banned, hours before the battle started. Another a few days before that. Several players crashed, and thus were left out when the final battle at Tokyo's shores came to be.
I was one of those that crashed out. I listened in vain as I heard the battle reports and descriptive comments streaming over our fleet's ventrillo server. I cursed and kicked, knowing I wouldn't make back in time, and that this might be the final battle.
It took a full 30 minutes before I finally heard "They're shelling the harbor". Exactly what they said, ruin our production. Scorched earth. I knew the battle was lost, and just waited while I heard reports of Total Carnage's false "Don't shell the Harbor" orders even as the battle ended, and the Total Carnage flag flied over the heart of Tokyo.
I kicked myself, many, many times. I wasn't there, and there was room in the battle for me. While I doubted my Pennsylvania 1930, or my Emden Light Cruiser would have made a decisive difference, I know it is POSSIBLE that I could have made that difference due to previous performances in overcoming those long odds.
Now, we wait. Next weekend I will most likely be gone. I won't be there for the offensive. I don't know where they will strike, but I wish them the best of luck and hope to see a harbor flooded with Marines and Paratroopers, raising the Veterans Flag over an intact, fully operational harbor.
There's talk of London being the place to strike. For some reason that seems almost fitting, as I watched my Hellsing Ultimate today, and heard this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faEFH5N8XUY). That and London being the home Harbor of Total Carnage.
Though my personal choice would be the New York harbor. It'd be easier pickings too, with a weaker fleet currently holding.
Oh well. I won't be there anyway, unless there is a blizzard on the pass.
Til next time,
Grind Away
Suffice to say, a few people in our fleet were in fact chomping at the bit to show them what for.
But fate conspires against you. One of our top players had his account banned, hours before the battle started. Another a few days before that. Several players crashed, and thus were left out when the final battle at Tokyo's shores came to be.
I was one of those that crashed out. I listened in vain as I heard the battle reports and descriptive comments streaming over our fleet's ventrillo server. I cursed and kicked, knowing I wouldn't make back in time, and that this might be the final battle.
It took a full 30 minutes before I finally heard "They're shelling the harbor". Exactly what they said, ruin our production. Scorched earth. I knew the battle was lost, and just waited while I heard reports of Total Carnage's false "Don't shell the Harbor" orders even as the battle ended, and the Total Carnage flag flied over the heart of Tokyo.
I kicked myself, many, many times. I wasn't there, and there was room in the battle for me. While I doubted my Pennsylvania 1930, or my Emden Light Cruiser would have made a decisive difference, I know it is POSSIBLE that I could have made that difference due to previous performances in overcoming those long odds.
Now, we wait. Next weekend I will most likely be gone. I won't be there for the offensive. I don't know where they will strike, but I wish them the best of luck and hope to see a harbor flooded with Marines and Paratroopers, raising the Veterans Flag over an intact, fully operational harbor.
There's talk of London being the place to strike. For some reason that seems almost fitting, as I watched my Hellsing Ultimate today, and heard this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faEFH5N8XUY). That and London being the home Harbor of Total Carnage.
Though my personal choice would be the New York harbor. It'd be easier pickings too, with a weaker fleet currently holding.
Oh well. I won't be there anyway, unless there is a blizzard on the pass.
Til next time,
Grind Away
January 2, 2009
Homebound
The snows did not take again. The heat came, and rain turned everything into a slushy slurry of disappointment. I have to say I did expect it, but you always hold out hope that the wintry burst will last a bit longer than it ever does. I doubt we'll see much in the way of ice and snow this year.
So I spent the day at home. My friend never arrived. No new furniture for me. Also means the food bank was postponed. I had to sit by the phone all day, waiting for the call that never came in.
Suffice to say that it left my day in a lurch. The only thing that could be the nice, shiny cherry on top of that disappointment filled sundae? Why yes, my roommate had the day off from his job at the Evil Pepsi Empire.
Always fun. Getting bugged every 15 minutes to move this, pick up that, hold that in place. Of course he has another project going. The installation of his home theater system. Oh goodie. Granted, I'll probably end up using it of course, since it's out there in the main room. But it's not like there's a driving need for me to have it. It's not like I have a next-gen console that demands that nice Hi-Def screen. We get no Hi-Def channels. He bought a blu-ray player, but only got two movies, both of which underwhelmed me. Sleeping Beauty and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. For one I almost never like Disney movies, I think the few exceptions were the old Gargoyles TV series and the movie Mulan. And Indiana Jones? I can't find a single person who is a fan of the series that liked that movie, including myself. Granted, it wasn't "Bad" as someone might traditionally think of bad movies. But it was very bad compared to the earlier movies, and hell, even to the TV series. It didn't FEEL like an Indiana Jones move. It felt more like some of the generic adventure/thriller films I've seen in the last decade or so. Good effects, but that was about the only thing to set it apart from the crowd.
Through it all of course I had to take little sniping comments from him. Oh, I didn't do the dishes right at the moment we were done with dinner. Oh, I didn't shovel the millimeter of snow off the walk that fell at 8 AM before he got up at 10 AM. Such little nitpicking, it's like living with an old shrew of a wife.
And no, I'm not a misogynist.
So I spent as much time as I could in my room, my temple to myself. Watched some of that Monk marathon on USA, read some of my books, finally finishing up Red Iron Nights and starting on Violets are Blue.
And wondering if I can find wherever my roommate stashed that reciept for the MP3 player. So what, he took it in and found it works perfectly, it's just his PCs that won't recognize it because thier USB ports are shot. Well, it still doesn't do me any good. I bet it was some cheap device he got for like 10 bucks, if that anyway. Nothing I could even turn it in for that would be worth a damn. Would be nice if it was expensive enough to get a Nintendo DS out of... but I doubt that. I doubt I could even get a PC game out.
As Felicia would say, everytime I got frustrated over stupid things, "C'est la vie."
C'est la vie. That used to irritate me even more, but I always ended up laughing at myself right afterwards. She always did bring out the best in me. Even just her memory tends to calm me down and put a sad, regretful smile on my face.
If only I wasn't such a coward.
Til next time,
Grind Away
So I spent the day at home. My friend never arrived. No new furniture for me. Also means the food bank was postponed. I had to sit by the phone all day, waiting for the call that never came in.
Suffice to say that it left my day in a lurch. The only thing that could be the nice, shiny cherry on top of that disappointment filled sundae? Why yes, my roommate had the day off from his job at the Evil Pepsi Empire.
Always fun. Getting bugged every 15 minutes to move this, pick up that, hold that in place. Of course he has another project going. The installation of his home theater system. Oh goodie. Granted, I'll probably end up using it of course, since it's out there in the main room. But it's not like there's a driving need for me to have it. It's not like I have a next-gen console that demands that nice Hi-Def screen. We get no Hi-Def channels. He bought a blu-ray player, but only got two movies, both of which underwhelmed me. Sleeping Beauty and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. For one I almost never like Disney movies, I think the few exceptions were the old Gargoyles TV series and the movie Mulan. And Indiana Jones? I can't find a single person who is a fan of the series that liked that movie, including myself. Granted, it wasn't "Bad" as someone might traditionally think of bad movies. But it was very bad compared to the earlier movies, and hell, even to the TV series. It didn't FEEL like an Indiana Jones move. It felt more like some of the generic adventure/thriller films I've seen in the last decade or so. Good effects, but that was about the only thing to set it apart from the crowd.
Through it all of course I had to take little sniping comments from him. Oh, I didn't do the dishes right at the moment we were done with dinner. Oh, I didn't shovel the millimeter of snow off the walk that fell at 8 AM before he got up at 10 AM. Such little nitpicking, it's like living with an old shrew of a wife.
And no, I'm not a misogynist.
So I spent as much time as I could in my room, my temple to myself. Watched some of that Monk marathon on USA, read some of my books, finally finishing up Red Iron Nights and starting on Violets are Blue.
And wondering if I can find wherever my roommate stashed that reciept for the MP3 player. So what, he took it in and found it works perfectly, it's just his PCs that won't recognize it because thier USB ports are shot. Well, it still doesn't do me any good. I bet it was some cheap device he got for like 10 bucks, if that anyway. Nothing I could even turn it in for that would be worth a damn. Would be nice if it was expensive enough to get a Nintendo DS out of... but I doubt that. I doubt I could even get a PC game out.
As Felicia would say, everytime I got frustrated over stupid things, "C'est la vie."
C'est la vie. That used to irritate me even more, but I always ended up laughing at myself right afterwards. She always did bring out the best in me. Even just her memory tends to calm me down and put a sad, regretful smile on my face.
If only I wasn't such a coward.
Til next time,
Grind Away
January 1, 2009
Return
I've missed updates. I already feel horrible about it, and had to drag myself back to the computer to update this entry. I know that's how it starts, you miss one, you miss another. Soon you start telling yourself it's not a big deal, you don't miss it, it wasn't important anyway... then you're done, finished. Nothing short of an act of your psyche's congress can get you on task once more.
So you might expect I have a good reason, I got hit by a car, I got shot, my grandmother died, that I missed these updates. The truth of the matter is that I don't have anything like that at all.
But then you must have been busy, right?
Swing and a miss, strike two. I've actually gotten very little accomplished lately. I've been running around in a zombie like state, not really alive and aware of what I was doing, much less caring about it. I know I got some work done because I got some extra cash. I know I ate. I know I started to prep my home for the new furniture I might be getting this weekend. You know, cleaning up, clearing out the traffic lanes and rearranging everything so it'll be easy to lug it all away and its replacements back in.
But it really wasn't that much of an accomplishment.
I still don't have my communications finished for my friend's Star Fleet Battles (http://www.starfleetgames.com) Campaign. I haven't done any work on my own little mini-campaign I've been cooking up, which is almost worse for me, since that's usually one of my fun stress releases.
I'm not sure what though has put me in this funk. I'm sleeping a lot more than usual. Usually I only get about 4 hours of sleep, give or take an hour. Plenty for me, really it is. And I've lost that drive to go out and take the extra steps lately. I'm lacking ambition... something that isn't entirely new for me, but usually I'm enough of a dreamer that even if I don't follow through, I'm at least starting something new.
I've given up on the Free Lance writing. The money is horrible. The only job I got ended up taking a full week for 10 dollars. Hardly my idea of a rewarding career, but then again I thought that'd be the case. Unfortunately I don't have anything to really fill the void. Irritating as I'm usually quite full of hair brained schemes.
I just can't get excited anymore. Even things I used to love, things I spent hours working on without even a single outside distraction, just aren't doing it for me lately. About the only time I'm not in a funk right now is when I'm watching my cats and their eternal war over the only good box.
Three cats. Three boxes that are all exactly the same. However, they always fight over the same one, no matter where it is. I don't know what's special about that one box, but gods its cute to watch them battle over who gets into it first and the valiant defense of Fort Cardboard.
I think maybe now its just that I miss my friends. This time of year isn't all that great for me normally, but I haven't got to really talk to any of them for nearly a month now. I'm sure they're glad to have that extended break from me, but maybe its what's driving me a little batty. Just a lack of friendly communication.
Or maybe it's just not having gotten to play my usual games against them. No Magic (http://www.magicthegathering.com), no Star Fleet Battles (http://www.starfleetgames.com), no D&D (www.wizards.com/dnd), hell, not even a round of Super Smash Brothers.
I think I need something like that to break up the dull grey grind of reality. Felicia always used to say I dreamed too much, I needed a bit more reality in my life. But I'm starting to think I can't cope with the real world, all the time. I think I need my dreams and other breaks from reality.
I don't want to lose my soul after all.
Til next time,
Grind Away
So you might expect I have a good reason, I got hit by a car, I got shot, my grandmother died, that I missed these updates. The truth of the matter is that I don't have anything like that at all.
But then you must have been busy, right?
Swing and a miss, strike two. I've actually gotten very little accomplished lately. I've been running around in a zombie like state, not really alive and aware of what I was doing, much less caring about it. I know I got some work done because I got some extra cash. I know I ate. I know I started to prep my home for the new furniture I might be getting this weekend. You know, cleaning up, clearing out the traffic lanes and rearranging everything so it'll be easy to lug it all away and its replacements back in.
But it really wasn't that much of an accomplishment.
I still don't have my communications finished for my friend's Star Fleet Battles (http://www.starfleetgames.com) Campaign. I haven't done any work on my own little mini-campaign I've been cooking up, which is almost worse for me, since that's usually one of my fun stress releases.
I'm not sure what though has put me in this funk. I'm sleeping a lot more than usual. Usually I only get about 4 hours of sleep, give or take an hour. Plenty for me, really it is. And I've lost that drive to go out and take the extra steps lately. I'm lacking ambition... something that isn't entirely new for me, but usually I'm enough of a dreamer that even if I don't follow through, I'm at least starting something new.
I've given up on the Free Lance writing. The money is horrible. The only job I got ended up taking a full week for 10 dollars. Hardly my idea of a rewarding career, but then again I thought that'd be the case. Unfortunately I don't have anything to really fill the void. Irritating as I'm usually quite full of hair brained schemes.
I just can't get excited anymore. Even things I used to love, things I spent hours working on without even a single outside distraction, just aren't doing it for me lately. About the only time I'm not in a funk right now is when I'm watching my cats and their eternal war over the only good box.
Three cats. Three boxes that are all exactly the same. However, they always fight over the same one, no matter where it is. I don't know what's special about that one box, but gods its cute to watch them battle over who gets into it first and the valiant defense of Fort Cardboard.
I think maybe now its just that I miss my friends. This time of year isn't all that great for me normally, but I haven't got to really talk to any of them for nearly a month now. I'm sure they're glad to have that extended break from me, but maybe its what's driving me a little batty. Just a lack of friendly communication.
Or maybe it's just not having gotten to play my usual games against them. No Magic (http://www.magicthegathering.com), no Star Fleet Battles (http://www.starfleetgames.com), no D&D (www.wizards.com/dnd), hell, not even a round of Super Smash Brothers.
I think I need something like that to break up the dull grey grind of reality. Felicia always used to say I dreamed too much, I needed a bit more reality in my life. But I'm starting to think I can't cope with the real world, all the time. I think I need my dreams and other breaks from reality.
I don't want to lose my soul after all.
Til next time,
Grind Away
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